What If I Feel This Way For The Rest Of My Life?


When I was young I wasn’t aware with what’s happening in my life. I never thought that growing up would awake me exactly the reason of all those happening. I really wanted to turn back the time when I was a child. It’s really hard to be matured. You are not innocent like before, you’re not excuse for your faults, and your heart was fresh like it was never been broken. The more you grow up, the more you get hurt because you have that maturity to answer the reason of why and to defend your right and wrong.

 “Sometimes, confession isn’t the right thing to lessen the pain inside; it will lead to distraction about yourself and to other especially when this person isn’t worth it sharing but the best is when you can take it without telling somebody else. Soon you can understand this one. “ -jm

21 years of existence, I never met someone who never left me behind except my family. I know the reason when they left but I am still wondering why. Somebody will leave me hanging on my own although I have frequently given my whole trust to them, my best and almost everything. They will leave like a dead. At times, I thought they were the right one who could be with me until we get old, someone who could make me cheerful, comfort me, someone whom I could share my life’s story. But I was often wrong. I know people change but why they must change like that?

I remembered back when I was 17-20 years old. I have friends and we’ve known each other like we were so meant together. But most of them, they just used me for their own purposes, some used my story as my weakness hitting me down, some had ruled on me, some turned into my foe and some betrayal me therefore in spite of everything, what I’ve got was agony and regret.

And just recently I was being fooled again by toxic friends. I just knew them well during my OJT though we were classmates in some of our subjects.  One of them, I treated like my own brother for I was comfort with him and we were roommates. I took to our dorm the girl I courted for about 1 year. Finally this girl met him. He asked her for her number so she gives it to him. Later, they have communication over the phone and social media until he courted her as well like I did. He said that we were not yet together so he still has a chance.  To make it short, we had lost of communication with this girl because of him. She said she wouldn’t fall in love with him but she does. Both of them fooled me, betrayed me and used me but thank God, I had learned to take the realism and never took this guy into my soul for revenge.

Then another friend of mine, I defended him when everybody battled him at his back. All I asked was I wanted them to know they were wrong for their insight and maybe they were judging him because they were insecure. One day, I told him that her girlfriend chatted me often on messenger but I never replied her even once. I asked him what if he doesn’t deserve to have her, What if she fell in love with me like how that girl does unfortunately he sudden gets annoyed. I thought it would be useful for him to be aware with that. He walked out. I texted him sorry for how many times, explained him everything but what he replied only was, “Fucking Mother! Give distance to her! I don’t like to fight with friend now, just leave her you bitch!” I never expected he would do that. What I did was advising him and tells him the truth. If it was a big deal, He shouldn’t have to say that hashed words indeed I had explained him so much but it seems he thought that I wanted her girlfriend away from him that I liked her as well. Up until now we are not yet ok and because I’m tired asking him for forgiveness.

Regardless of everything I’ve been through, I was always the wrong one, the victim, the suspect, the loser, the forgiver, I hate it, I really hate it. Apart from it, at school everyone frequently bullied me, disrespected me, and underestimated me, again and again; used me.  Thus Today, I guess I am getting ready to wake up from these nightmares.

You know what my first impression to the people at this time? “You will leave me as well. You will not stay longer. You will change one day. You will forget about me.” So someone asked me often, “Why are you silent? Why are you timid? Why are you so emotional? Why are you seems alone?”  Now I am ready to answer their questions and here is, “Because this is how I make happiness for myself.”
You know what? If only I was still a child, I don’t care about it because I was still in a dreamy world who knows nothing but to love and play. Maybe I wanted to go back to the past because I have a lot of things that will not be beautiful as now and go back when I was a child for I wasn’t thoughtful and my heart was quiet safe yet. Unfortunately, I have to accept the fact that I am growing up now towards maturity.  Growing up is really hard but when you become strong and realize more the reason of whys, you will love it. Life is full of fake people, full of challenge, full of devil, full of changed, full of unfair. Being matured enough, you are responsible for all of these things. But try to explore it you will find it more motivating than what you want for the perfect world. Just like me, I lived in the past, an introverted one, very emotional and I’ve experienced a lot of bullying, toxic friends, hurt and I’ve been broken repeatedly and what if I feel this way for the rest of my life? It’s okay with me because I’m happy with it all by myself. So when darkness comes, don’t be afraid. You have that light to guide you. Except God, you are your shining armor.

“Instead to get sadness because you get hurt, be happy because you experienced it. This is what makes you exceptional.” – jm


2 thoughts on “What If I Feel This Way For The Rest Of My Life?

  1. In our relations with others, every day is a learning experience about ourselves, the way of the world, and our place within it. Opportunist people are everywhere, even within our own families.


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